Monday, 22 October 2012

Jigglypuff vs Rorschach


Your partner looks at you disparagingly.

Sigh.

'Look at this piece of tepid excrement slaloming its way down a chunder-laden toboggan run into a valley of leaking batteries, dead dogs and ambiguously moist rubber objects', they seem to say with their eyes.

Sigh.

Madame Fate and her five wicked daughters decide to pay you a visit at this point, and bestow unto you a hermaphrodite juggernaut of wanton sexual prowess.

'Hey baby,' it says to your partner, 'Sexy sexy sex times?'

At which point you scream so hard you have to use hidden muscles in your pelvis to stop your lungs from imploding, grab this adonis by the abs and throw their spine across your knee like a careless grandfather. As you scream reprimands into their face you feel a caress across your shoulder blades, and the anger leaves you. All is well.

Sometimes, sighing wistfully is not enough. 

On these occasions it is time for 
FIGHTING.


WHO THEY THEN?

Jigglypuff is a small pink blob with a hipster haircut and smug blue eyes, like it knows something. Like other round pink inflating monsters with big eyes willies etc. etc.

It first appeared in Pokemon:Red and Blue, and now appears in manga, anime, computer games, comics, and the live action stage show Pokemon Live!

In other news, God is getting more ineffable. 

 
Rorschach is a masked vigilante driven by anger, who lives by an absolute, black and white vision of morality. If you commit a crime, any crime, he will consider you worthy of violent punishment.


Possibly the closest American comics ever got to acknowledging what kind of person would probably become a masked superhero, albeit delivered by a bloke from Northampton, Rorschach's moral code is so absolute he would rather die than compromise it. 
 
He first appeared in the comic Watchmen.

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Jigglypuff can detect and sing at the exact frequency that produces sleep, using his big wide eyes and excellent voice to lull you off into the land of Nod (aka TEH PHANTASMAGORIKLE REALM OF SLEEPZEH). Then, if Super Smash Brothers is anything to go by, he will push you off a tall building in the style of a total dickhead.

Rorschach tends to take whatever's to hand, but is a physically strong and resourceful opponent who can and will simply grab you and smack your head off a wall until your face is like a shoddy, quarry-coloured Lego replica of itself.

We have a tie. As in a draw. I'm not just showing off that I own a tie.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Jigglypuff tends to fight alone, and if their target is resistant to mellifluous rohyphynol then they will probably just asphyxiate and die. Not that the makers of Super SmashBrothers ever took this into account, oh no.

Rorschach formed a formidable crime-fighting duo with Nite-Owl, before he went all soft and flacciliberal. After that he became something of a Lone Wolf.

(I am also a Lone Wolf. I have been accused of doing this only to pick up chicks, but clearly this would defeat the point of being a lone wolf)

When it comes to the deaths of a few against the deaths of many, Rorschach refuses to adhere to an 'ends justifying the means' ideology and distances himself further from his former crime-fighting partners.

This one is a tie too. Gosh, it's almost exciting this isn't it?

 

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Jigglypuff evolves from Igglypuff when Igglypuff reaches a certain point of happiness, and evolves into Wigglypuff when exposed to a certain item. This last issue is problematic because it ignores the smooth alphabetical progression of the Iggly/Jiggly evolving and bypasses Kigglypuff, Ligglybuff, Migglytuff, Nigglycuff, Oigglywuff, Pigglypuff, Quigglyxuff, Rigglyvuff, Sigglyzuff, Tigglyguff, Uigglyruff, and Vigglyquff.

There will doubtless be a BBC 3 documentary on your screens soon regarding Creationists reaction to this hard evidence of evolution.

Rorschach has ginger hair, and therefore treads the thin dividing line between terror and sex-appeal. In some ways he's the greatest superhero who ever existed. In other ways it is understandable that small children do not dress up as him for Halloween.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 

This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so if you disagree with it tiny robots will come into your house in the night and make your nipples slightly smaller/larger (they call it like they see it).

 



Finding themselves on the Temple Stage, Jigglypuff initially has the upper hand due to his familiarity with the setting and his experience in jumping through the air despite not having any surfaces to jump against. Rorschach is understandably peeved at this chain of events, and falls to his doom.

He returns on a cloud and takes stock of his situation.

Jigglypuff searches for his quarry, smiling and shouting 'Jigglypuff!' as he jumps around like a little happy bellend that has somehow fallen off someone's penis, discovered Instagram and concocted a misplaced notion of their own importance.

It is during a particularly conceited burble of its own name that Rorschach strikes. After some subtle questioning to determine her moral status, he breaks Samus Aran's spine across his knee and drains her suit of all flammable liquids, which he mixes in Aran's helmet, lights, and pours on Jigglypuff.

The ensuing song that escapes from the scalded mass of marsmallow-esque wide-eyed is one of such all pervading horror that Mario is unable to reach for a wrench (with which to beat himself until he is unable to sense the unmitigated nightmare that has enveloped him) because his eyes have melted and his ears have turned themselves inside out. Link is convinced, as he removes his sword from his stomach, that he can see ink black demon-spawn of Ganon escaping the wound. Donkey Kong kills himself eventually, but you really don't want to know how.

Jigglypuff finishes it song of such despair, pain and bleakness as to send everyone into paroxisms of insanity, dragging them face first into the chasm and where an eternity of isolation awaits them: locked in an empty mansion with only a scrapbook of all their wrongs to comfort them, each page only able to be turned over with a mixture of blood, tears and milk.

Rorschach, who has put on his walkman and is listening to Barry Manilow, walks over to what now resembles a desolate burning testicle, and kicks Jigglypuff really hard in the face, killing him.

Time runs out. The fight is over.

AND THE WINNER IS...

 Jigglypuff 


Based on the rules of Super Smash Brothers, Jigglypuff did the most damage and died the same number of times as Rorschach, so Jigglypuff wins.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Jubei vs Tetsuo

There's always time to bleed.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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