This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 22 October 2012
Jigglypuff vs Rorschach
partner looks at you disparagingly.
at this piece of tepid excrement slaloming its way down a
chunder-laden toboggan run into a valley of leaking batteries, dead
dogs and ambiguously moist rubber objects', they seem to say with
Fate and her five wicked daughters decide to pay you a visit at this
point, and bestow unto you a hermaphrodite juggernaut of wanton
baby,' it says to your partner, 'Sexy sexy sex times?'
which point you scream so hard you have to use hidden muscles in your
pelvis to stop your lungs from imploding, grab this adonis by the abs
and throw their spine across your knee like a careless grandfather.
As you scream reprimands into their face you feel a caress across
your shoulder blades, and the anger leaves you. All is well.
sighing wistfully is not enough.
On these occasions it is time for FIGHTING.
is a small pink blob with a hipster haircut and smug blue eyes, like
it knows something. Like other round pink inflating monsters with
big eyes willies etc. etc.
is a masked vigilante driven by anger, who lives by an absolute,
black and white vision of morality. If you commit a crime, any
crime, he will consider you worthy of violent punishment.
the closest American comics ever got to acknowledging what kind of person would probably become a masked superhero, albeit delivered by
a bloke from Northampton, Rorschach's moral code is so absolute he
would rather die than compromise it.
can detect and sing at the exact frequency that produces sleep, using
his big wide eyes and excellent voice to lull you off into the land
of Nod (aka TEH PHANTASMAGORIKLE REALM OF SLEEPZEH). Then, if Super Smash Brothersis
anything to go by, he will push you off a tall building in the style
of a total dickhead.
Rorschach tends to take whatever's
to hand, but is a physically strong and resourceful opponent who can
and will simply grab you and smack your head off a wall until your
face is like a shoddy, quarry-coloured Lego replica of itself.
We have a tie. As in a draw. I'm not just showing off that I own a tie.
BACK: WHO HAS IT?
tends to fight alone, and if their target is resistant to mellifluous
rohyphynol then they will probably just asphyxiate and die. Not that
the makers of Super SmashBrothersever
took this into account, oh no.
formed a formidable crime-fighting duo with Nite-Owl, before he went
all soft and flacciliberal. After that he became something of a Lone
am also a Lone Wolf. I have been accused of doing this only to pick
up chicks, but clearly this would defeat the point of being a lone
it comes to the deaths of a few against the deaths of many, Rorschach
refuses to adhere to an 'ends justifying the means' ideology and
distances himself further from his former crime-fighting partners.
This one is a tie too. Gosh, it's almost exciting this isn't it?
evolves from Igglypuff when Igglypuff reaches a certain point of
happiness, and evolves into Wigglypuff when exposed to a certain
item. This last issue is problematic because it ignores the smooth
alphabetical progression of the Iggly/Jiggly evolving and bypasses Kigglypuff,
Ligglybuff, Migglytuff, Nigglycuff, Oigglywuff, Pigglypuff,
Quigglyxuff, Rigglyvuff, Sigglyzuff, Tigglyguff, Uigglyruff, and
will doubtless be a BBC 3 documentary on your screens soon regarding
Creationists reaction to this hard evidence of evolution.
has ginger hair, and therefore treads the thin dividing line between
terror and sex-appeal. In some ways he's the greatest superhero who
ever existed.In other ways it is understandable that small children
do not dress up as him for Halloween.
is the point where we run all the above information through ourhighly sophisticated computer programto establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer,
so if you disagree with it tiny robots will come into your house in the night and make your nipples slightly smaller/larger (they call it like they see it).
themselves on the Temple Stage, Jigglypuff initially has the upper
hand due to his familiarity with the setting and his experience in
jumping through the air despite not having any surfaces to jump
against. Rorschach is understandably peeved at this chain of events,
and falls to his doom.
returns on a cloud and takes stock of his situation.
searches for his quarry, smiling and shouting 'Jigglypuff!'
as he jumps around like a little happy bellend that has somehow
fallen off someone's penis, discovered Instagram and concocted a
misplaced notion of their own importance.
is during a particularly conceited burble of its own name that
Rorschach strikes. After some subtle questioning to determine her
moral status, he breaks Samus Aran's spine across his knee and drains
her suit of all flammable liquids, which he mixes in Aran's helmet,
lights, and pours on Jigglypuff.
ensuing song that escapes from the scalded mass of marsmallow-esque
wide-eyed is one of such all pervading horror that Mario is unable to
reach for a wrench (with which to beat himself until he is unable to
sense the unmitigated nightmare that has enveloped him) because his
eyes have melted and his ears have turned themselves inside out. Link
is convinced, as he removes his sword from his stomach, that he can
see ink black demon-spawn of Ganon escaping the wound. Donkey Kong
kills himself eventually, but you really don't want to know how.
finishes it song of such despair, pain and bleakness as to send
everyone into paroxisms of insanity, dragging them face first into
the chasm and where an eternity of isolation awaits them: locked in
an empty mansion with only a scrapbook of all their wrongs to comfort
them, each page only able to be turned over with a mixture of blood,
tears and milk.
who has put on his walkman and is listening to Barry Manilow, walks
over to what now resembles a desolate burning testicle, and kicks
Jigglypuff really hard in the face, killing him.
runs out. The fight is over.
THE WINNER IS...
on the rules of Super Smash Brothers, Jigglypuff did the most damage
and died the same number of times as Rorschach, so Jigglypuff wins.
FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:
Jubei vs Tetsuo
There's always time to bleed.
you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each
other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them